Beef Battles; or, Complete Moo-hem

26 06 2010

Man ok. So I straight couldn’t think up a good article for the past couple days, but wow, my brother sure did. He said “what about if slides were made from beef jerky?” and I thought, yes, of course, why not? But not just jerkey slides, whole playgrounds of animal-derived food. Slim Jim poles and sausage link bridges connecting bisket platforms over ground beef. Swings of bacon hanging down from bars of roast on chains of steak. Truly, a utopian dream.

i honestly thought googling "meat playground" was gonna end up WAAAAAY worse

At first, yes, you’d be all “oh man, youse guys gotta see this bitch. it’s a playground; guys; a playground, made out of; guys; made….out of meat.” But then the reality would set in. It would turn children into Road Warrior-esque gangs of savages.

"Just walk away. Leave the gravy, and you may leave with your lives"

Think about it, you wouldn’t be able to stop eating your playground. Plus, kids are retarded, they can’t build anything, especially out of meat. I’ve seen them hammering shaped pegs into similarly shaped holes. Some kids make them fit in the wrong holes. And those are usually the kids that get put in charge.

This guy ran the WHOLE STATE OF FLORIDA for quite some time. also is related to dubya

So then these simple creatures will just squad up with dangerously insane believers and claim manifest destiny to go and take over other meat playgrounds, eating them into delicious nothingness as well!


Let us all be thankful that we live in a world where our playgrounds are crafted from the most frictioned plastics, searing hot metals, and false-security-inducing sand. Even if we went with veggie playgrounds, everything would be a lot worse

goddamn it. god damn it all.




2 responses

26 06 2010

“Two ladles of gravysauce for freedom.”

I think this is needed in modern America.


26 06 2010

laugh out-loud funny! good works!


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