Holy Crap You Guys, I Might Be Invincible

1 11 2010

For reals. Yesterday I had the absolute privilege to go to ragin’-ass Halloween party at a lake house down near Conway. For all intents and purposes, everybody there should have been murdered horror-movie style, simply because it was a party full of young people. At a lake house. Waaaaaaay back off a dirt road.

Plus, you know, it looked like this

I’m not even kidding, that’s an actual photograph of the house we were at, not just something I found on google to be funny. Also this:

"shaggin wagon"

The night started out normal enough. a few people were there, booze was being mixed up, etc. Now, the key point in this story is if you know me, you know that colorful booze means it’s gonna be a blackout event for me. The main beverage was an igloo cooler full of something blue and tequila-y. It also tasted blue. I had decided to go as Iceman from Top Gun as kind of a last-minute costume idea since my beard was no longer long enough to be Opie from Sons of Anarchy. I immediately felt underdressed. My friend Jessica, who had invited me to the party, was dressed as Mega Man

Notice that her drink next to her there is an E-tank from the games

Then there was Jeff, Clay, and Hanley

Green Hornet, Zombie, Terry Bogard

Man, these folks really spent some time and effort on their costumes. So after a while some more people showed up, and it was time for the first musical act of the evening: Clay

Dude just rocked the hell out of that guitar, playing along with his iPod

By this time, there was an awful lot of people showing up, bringing with them much, much more booze.

This is just a small fraction of the party on the one side of the porch. it was that crowded everywhere.

By about this time, I was well loaded and kinda forgot to take a lot of pics, but no matter. At some point, a bonfire was started and there was now two places to go and hang out.

Wouldn't be Arkansas without a fire

Now, see those two dudes, on the left up there? The lumberjack and the trucker? Haha, here’s where shit gets good. You see, there was a fella dressed up like the old guy from the old 6 Flags commercials (sadly i got no pictures of him). Well, him and a dude straight dressed like a satanic priest started ripping up a bible and throwing it onto the fire and just shouting all types of “I command you in the name of Lucifer” type stuff. Here’s where those two good ole boys come in. Some girl stomped off crying cuz she’s super Christian. These dudes got all “Oh, you think you’re real cool burnin a bible? fuck you!!” etc. Lumberjack dude started throwing the fuck down. Fortunately his axe was foam, cuz he started swinging that shit around. A couple of his boys came up and grabbed him and they took of and everything calmed down. Which was good timing, cuz Bonerwitch was about to take the “stage”.


Really look at what’s going on there. That is a band. They were mostly black metal noise, and the best part was the “drums”. Two metal trash cans that ended up being chucked across the room like some sort of extreme volleyball. Then there was this guy:

Yes, that is a black metal John Oates


I was like, 6 sheets to the wind by this point so i barely remember anything, much less how i was still taking pictures, but i do remember this dude was like 5’4″ and had some awesome foreign accent. Plus, he was friggin’ all over the place.

He's looking at the fire with "private eyes"

So then now, i am completely out of my mind shitfaced hammered. I had been drinkin the punch, my Old Crow, and these “brain shots” that Deidre made. Brain shots were like, vodka, lime juice, something red, and baileys. The lime juice curdles the baileys and if you do it right, it looks like a shot glass of bloody brains. I had so many of those. Then i met this guy:

An unknown hero in my war against sobriety


Dude straight up had a handle of Jim Beam somehow attached to his belt like it was on a swivel and he procured a shot glass and poured me a shot. I noticed that he had a beer, and I couldn’t find any beer all night because it was all private stashes, so I asked if he knew where I could get a beer from. The motherfucker starts reaching into his jacket pocket and I say “don’t tell me you have a beer in there” and sure enough, out comes a cold Keystone tall boy. Needless to say we immediately became buddies and hung out for the rest of the night.

By this point, I have lost all memory. The next thing I knew, I was sleeping on the porch, so I went on down to my truck and grabbed the sleeping bag and pillow (I came prepared). after grabbing them, I decided that the porch was now too far away, so I just layed out in the back of the truck. I do at some point remember puking over the tailgate as the sun was coming up and there were still people at the fire. After a few hours’ nap, I awoke freezing cold in the back of my truck unbelievably hung over.

I think that about sums up the night

So I warmed myself by the fire with my Jim Beam buddy up there (he had yet to stop partying), said my farewells and drove on home.P.S. like every classic rock station just would not stop playing “Sympathy for the Devil” cuz of Halloween. I hate that song to begin with.





One response

1 11 2010

I’m glad you had such a good time. Wish you were here, tho, for FF. Miss you!


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