CONTROVERSY: Smokin’ in Bars

16 11 2010

Man, I’m pretty sure this whole article is me breaking a promise to myself to leave all the whiny bitching up to the other 498,348,503 blogs on Internet, but heeeerrreee we gooo….


So! Americans. Man, we sure do love to talk about how we’re concerned with our deteriorating health, don’t we? It’s to the point that even our fast food restaurants have “salads” and bottled water on the menus.

Featuring all the same insanely super-processed, non-nutritional ingredients found in all our food!


And it’s complete bullshit, like, all of the time. Every news article about being fat always has something along the lines of “health being a major concern in this country…” slipped in, yet we as a country continue to decry public healthcare as “commie”. But that is not what this article is about. This is about how we love to blame everyone else, and as a consequence, fuck up somebody else’s day.

As with most things in life, hippies are the root of the problem

Now, I can kind of understand not smoking in restaurants, sure. You wanna eat some food, and that stank is wafting over from the smoking section on the other side of the Shoney’s, and it just bugs you to death. Plus, lots of different kind of people like to go out to eat, especially children, so…..fuck it, I’ll give you assholes the restaurants, even though when i was a child in the 90’s and we sat in the non-smoking section, it was absolutely fine.

Robert D. Raiford complains about every technological and social change that took place after WWI

Now we’re getting into the real meat of today’s complaint casserole: bars. In much of this country, there is no smoking indoors, including bars. This is insane, as smoking and drinking go together like….like drinking and driving.

Because peanut butter and chocolate are the little leagues of "stuff goin' together real good"

Now, I have heard this argument personally when I was in upstate New York at a bar, rolling up cigarettes (hella poor) for me and my boy Jeff, getting mentally prepared to go out in 5 degree (fahrenheit, this is America) weather. As I was complaining and layering up, the girl we were with was talking about how it’s to be considerate to her and other non-smokers who don’t wish to catch secondhand smoke, because it’s “unhealthy”, and “that shit will kill you”. I responded that we were in a bar which is where absolutely nothing healthy goes on.

Pictured: brightly colored poison

I’m not entirely sure when or where this movement of “smoking is the only unhealthy thing about being in a bar” came from but for some reason, I feel like it came from those smug, whiny, new-age hippies in Los Angeles. This is evidenced by my own travels to the City of “Angels” and noticing a law about no smoking within 25 feet of a doorway. Any doorway. Let me break this down for you (and hipsters, pay close attention); the people of Los Angeles are concerned about breathing in toxic fumes while indoors.

They don't mind it outside, though


I realize that there are plenty of people who don’t smoke that do enjoy going to bars. Hell, everyone over the age of 14 likes going to bars. Just understand that it’s gonna have smoke to go with your liver problems. I know plenty of people who don’t smoke and don’t mind smoky bars, and with current advances in technology, it’s not even really and issue. One of my favorite bars is called Stick and Stein in uptown Key West, Florida. It’s a big bar, lots of pool tables, hardly ever any tourists, loud music, sports on tv’s, etc. And they have these things called “smoke-eaters” in their ventilation system that they installed in recent years.

When I was in high school, we used to go there with my dad all the time, because they had a bitchin’ arcade, and actually decent food. At this time, I was very anti-smoking, but I didn’t mind it because, hey, it’s a bar, and bars are smokey. You were guaranteed to go home smelling like cigarettes even if you didn’t smoke, but we didn’t care because it was fun.

Eventually, a law got passed in Florida where if you made more than something like 11% of your income off of food, people couldn’t smoke indoors, so Stick and Stein cut their menu. Total shame, too cuz they had some awesome hot dogs (also terrible for your body). But they had put these smoke-eaters in the vents to try to get around the law and the place cleared up. People would smoke like chimneys and the air was fresh.

Problem fucking solved. If you put air scrubbers in your vent system, then we can all get along. Smokers no longer have to brave the elements to satisfy their cravings, and non-smokers will be slightly less obnoxious in public as they toss back their umpteenth shot of poison.

"But this one has vegetables and vitamin C in it and stuff"






One response

17 11 2010

wonderfully written, my son. You so good! 😉


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