Aks Axis: Round 1

4 12 2010

IT’S AXIS YOO BASTIDS!!

Time to answer your questions and belittle your poor decision-making skills and life choices!

Question #1 comes from Stupefied and Drunk in Key West (so, everyone?) Stupid asks:

Dear Axis, How much whiskey does it take to get over an ex girlfriend?
Sincerely
Stupefied and drunk in key west

ANSWER:

This many

But in all seriousness, no one really knows. There seems to be a very precise sweet spot on the drunk-o-meter where most people are just drunk enough to not give two damns, but not drunk enough to be a crying, unstable mess.

too much

OR, just go chill with your boys. That’s probably the best way to deal with shit is to get it off your mind, and have your friends talk mad shit about her and how much they hate her. Works wonders. Otherwise you just end up being a whiny, emo pussy, and nobody is gonna wanna put up with your incessant, alcohol-fueled whining.

You know, until you die

 

NEXT

This one’s from Ashley:

Dear Dr. T Rex, I have a problem calling my ex’s while drunk and on ambian. I make a fool of myself by slurring and telling them I still love them. What should I do?

Ok, first off, this is Axis, but i’ma let that one slide. Second off, ambien and booze? And you still remember calling someone?? You are a fucking trooper. One time I took a perc and headed downtown and Raymond just kept the booze flowing for his 21st. I vaguely remember being at Rick’s Upstairs, and slight recollections of puking in the bathroom at Lazy Gecko and being confused when i emerged and the lights were on and the doors were closed. Apparently we even went to Denny’s. Then I woke up in the front seat of a Range Rover outside Max’s house.

Captioned pictures of cats are the one true medium

 

But I digress

The best way to stop drunk dialing/texting is to have a friend who does it every single time. Granted, from what you’re telling me, you are that friend, so I’m not sure what we’re gonna do about that. Wait until someone else starts to do it and then pay attention very closely. The amount that you will be embarrassed to even know this person will almost be as staggering as the insane, idiotic things spewing forth from their mouth.

Like that but with words

Honestly though, stopping drunk dialing just requires being on the receiving end of one. As an international hip-hop phenom, I can tell you, having random girls calling you at all hours of the night, barely able to string together words into a sentence can get to be a real bother. So man up (lady up?) and either leave the phone where you can’t get it, or get a good friend to play defense and take the phone from you if you start to drunk dial. If you don’t have a friend that good, by all means, drunk dial the bejesus out of everyone.

 

LAST

Robert Fowler writes:

Are you DTF?

….

I, uh…..

sure.

WINK

 

Don’t forget to check out my homies, High Society. New song is up!

 

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