Time Travel Hijinks and Other Such Nonsense

19 01 2011

Well guys, I’m back. Sorry that took so long but I was definitely not on a top-secret mission for the CIA that may or may not have involved time travel.

Like I said, NOT the CIA

I’m not at liberty to discuss what happened, where or when I went, who I may or may not have killed, or anything. Just trust me on this, something is now slightly different from what it was before, and we’re all better for it.

Ok, a few things changed

Needless to say, while I was on this mission, risking life and limb for the continued stability of the space-time continuum, I was distracted from my secondary objective of eliminating a major threat to the western world in our recent past. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, thanks to my weariness and general bad memory, it is entirely my fault that Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace still exists.

My bad

Now before you call the UN or whatever and get me brought up on war crimes (rightfully deserved), let me just say this: guys, I tried. Well, I didn’t really try to completely destroy it, I just tried to change it. It was one of those situations where you’re supposed to kill it, and you know that it’s evil, but you just can’t because you feel like, maybe this time it won’t be so bad. Basically I had sneaked into Skywalker Ranch and replaced the script with a rewrite I considered to contain way more awesome.

Pictured: Awesome

Seriously, how was this dude only in one movie, but we had to watch a whole nation of Gungans fumble their way to victory over the droids while simultaneously making fun of the entire country of Jamaica? I’ll tell ya why, It’s not George Lucas’ fault, no no. There is something much more sinister behind the scenes guiding ol’ George to the dark side of filmmaking, if you will.

Apparently you can get a gold medal for treason

That’s right. Friggin’ Spielberg. Now i know what you’re thinking: “oh but doctor, he brought us so many gems in our childhood of the late ’80s and ’90s, such as that long Reese’s Pieces commercial with the tiny, adorable Drew Barrymore, and of course not to mention Indy!” Yes, yes, Indiana Jones. The second greatest trilogy ever created. I know Mr. Spielberg here created a beloved franchise.

He then drove it into the ground, set it on fire, and pissed on it

Basically, I was barely able to escape Skywalker Ranch with Spielberg’s dogs on my tail. I didn’t even see George in there. I can only speculate as to where the secret prison is where he’s being held by Steven’s reign of terror. I just know if George was a free man, he would have loved my script and almost completely bypassed all the ‘child Vader’ nonsense and gone straight for the awesome.

Pictured: possibly too much awesome?

So once again, guys; I am so incredibly sorry. I should have pulled myself together and took that detour on the way back to the future, but I just didn’t. Your scorn and hatred is well deserved, although it will pale in comparison to my own self-loathing. If i could find the guy that brought me through time again, no amount of money would be too great for me to rectify this terrible, terrible mistake.

That's him there

Maybe if I got a second shot, me and Spielberg could have some sort of summit. Some way we could get together, sit down peacefully, and use diplomacy to work out a solution. I’m absolutely sure we could reach a compromise. *EDIT* FUCK THAT. TRIED, FAILED.

SPOILER ALERT from across parallel realities

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3 responses

19 01 2011
kingdonko

“Apparently you can get a gold medal for treason.” roflossenburg

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20 01 2011
Jaylyn

That was my favourite part too!

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20 01 2011
Mom

haha! wonderful! by the way, Tall Allan (Big Bird) is in California right now building a little (not) theatre at Spielberg’s house. What a gig!

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