That’s It, Internet’s Over, Go Home

10 02 2011

Guys

I don’t know if you heard, but the internet is almost out of space. Yeah, you heard me right. Click the link if you don’t believe me. For those of you who don’t understand what an IP address is, it’s basically like your internet-enabled device’s phone number, and we need some more area codes. See, right now, we run on IPv4 (internet protocol version 4) and thanks to the boom of smart phones and other such independently connected devices, we’re down to the wire on numbers. Fortunately for us all, there are whole rooms of nerds that actually understand how all this works and they can fix it all for us.

So lets hold off on all the cons until the internet is fixed

Right now IPv6 is in development and we will hopefully be able to switch over fairly smoothly and have exponentially more IP addresses. Basically it’ll be like how one time when my grandparents were visiting, my grandpa went to call his friend and dialed 5 numbers. He looked confused like the phones were down until I said “you have to dial 2-9 first now, abuelo”

Whole bunch o' Key West rolled up in that quote there

So that’s basically it. Adding new numbers to the left of the current ones. HOWEVER there is the remote chance that this might not work, or even kill the whole internet. Imagine that, the whole country without internet. That’d be like Keith Richards just quitting heroin cold turkey.

Kind of exactly like that

Now, this shouldn’t be too big of a deal because for most of us, there was a time before internet. Go ahead, Wikipedia that shit. Crazy huh? There were books instead of blogs, and like, going outside, and shooting your friends with BB guns instead of on Counter Strike or whatever the devil these kids play nowadays. Hell, I remember life before internet, and you should too.

That is kind of how I feel when I forget my phone

Basically anyone that saw Jurassic Park as a new movie won’t have too much adjusting to do. Everybody that saw Vietnam on the news will finally be able to relax and not worry about how to put pictures on “the Facespace” and checking their Hotmail (not gonna lie, I still have the same Hotmail address since 1998). The ones we have to worry about though, are the kids that are in high school right now. They don’t have a conscious memory of life without a computer. Hell, they barely remember the sound of a dial-up 28.8 kbps modem using that free thousand hours of AOL their parents got in the mail. Their whole life is online and it is a part of them. Things could get ugly quitting an addiction of that magnitude.

Seriously, mention the words 'library', 'dictionary', or 'music store' and they look at you like you're talkin' about some ancient past

Now let’s also not forget that for every WoW addict out there, there’s at least 4 people using the internet for good. For instance, this blog could not exist without internet. How many newspapers are gonna pick up a column about nothing that might update once a month? Zero. The answer is zero.

So, you know what? Screw it, them nerds will fix this before it becomes an issue, and just like Y2k, there will be a lot of hype by the news once it really gets close, and then absolutely nothing will happen because the nerd tank had already fixed it and patched us over months ago.

One of the elite few, diligently managing his post

So let’s just keep on advancing in our technology and totally wasting it on talking about what celebrity looks ugly or who fucked up the national anthem. Heck, we might even just start-up IPv8 and just have an absurd amount of devices connected to the internet, beyond our cell phones. Our cars, our houses, our robots. Communicating. Sharing. Plotting.

Nothing bad can come of this I am sure of it

Btw, snuggles up there is TOTALLY REAL and I have no idea why that site says that it “doesn’t herald Armageddon”. Fuck you. Are you kidding me? Would you let that near your kids? If you need me, I’ll be in the mountains, surrounded by powerful electromagnets, using proxy IPs to keep the robot bugs off my trail, trying to science my way to freedom.

Always room for a lab partner...

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3 responses

10 02 2011
Mom

wow! That was the best written blog you’ve presented yet! … Imagine, both your Key West abuelo and Keith Richards in the same article! Keep ’em coming!

Like

10 02 2011
Shirley

And, Abuelo says he bets you don’t know what that 2 9 stood for.

Nice blog – didn’t know you had it in ya.

Like

21 02 2011
katie

as if!

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