British Wizards Are Highly Irresponsible, Probably Racist Too

1 03 2011

So, let me just clear the air here and let you know that I love me some Harry Potter books. Anybody that knows me knows I can be a huge nerd and the magical adventures at Hogwarts are pretty much only second to the Holy Trinity of Star Wars. However, there are a few things that really bug me about the magical world.

Quantum Hermiones notwithstanding

It’s not even the overabundance and under-usage of Deus Ex Machina devices (see: every book in the series) such as the Time Turner which they could have used to flat-out stop ol’ Voldy from ever even being born. No, it is the blatant racism to Muggles, or non-magical folk for those of you that have been living under a rock for over a decade. Literally every witch and wizard in the series is racist in some fashion, not just the overt ones like Voldy, all the Blacks besides Sirius, and every kid in Slytherin,

Why are the bad girls always so hot?

No. Seriously every magical person has this subconscious disdain for muggles. For instance, they just flat-out live a completely separate life right under our noses, not at all taking part in our world, and going quite out of their way to stay separate from us. So even the ones that don’t want us all dead want us to be separate. Separate….but equal…hmmm….


But let’s just examine the little things. Starting with writing utensils. Somehow, magic folk straight up don’t know about pens. Not once in any of the books does anyone have a pen. They use quills and ink like this was the damn 1700’s. There’s even one part where somebody gets some magic “colour changing ink” for their ink well to DIP THEIR BIRD FEATHER INTO. a.) That’s not exciting or different, I had a color (no superfluous u) changing pen when i was like 9 years old, in the muggle world, and b.) they have a Minister of Muggle Affairs. This guy has to have found out about pens. i mean shit, you can buy them at like, any store. It’s not like this is some well-kept secret shit either, they know about cars.

They have yet to figure out roads, though

Then there’s the train. The good old Hogwarts Express that ferries these sheltered middle class kids to their secret private boarding school from platform 9 and 3/4 (through a wall, magical people only) and far away from non-magical types. Not only is the train severely outdated, like diesel locomotives are too “muggly” for them, but it’s clearly not running on magic. There is smoke coming from the furnace indicating that there is indeed a fire with which to boil water and turn a steam engine. That is not magic. Also, we’ve since come up with better, faster, cleaner trains. Get with the program and go green. There is no reason to take a train when your parents can fucking TELEPORT YOU TO SCHOOL IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE


Not Pictured: the 20th century

And last but not least, the school curriculum. It focuses completely on magic. This is wildly irresponsible. Granted, these kids need to know how to use their crazy special powers, but how are you just plain not gonna teach them anything about the other 90% of humans on the planet? That’s pretty much exactly like taking the n-word out of Huckleberry Finn. Don’t even let these kids know that there are different people with different lives that might not see things they way you do. Math, although boring, is still pretty useful. I get that science is unnecessary to them what with being able to just poof things into life, but man, you’d think they’d need to learn some history. Just cuz they live in the ultimate gated community doesn’t meant they’d be unaffected by, say, a bombing run from a warring nation.

Germany friggin NAILED Diagon Alley in the 40's

I feel confident in saying that it is a British thing to be so high and mighty of one’s self, especially considering the names of the few ethnic kids at Hogwarts like the Patil twins, but most noticeably in Cho Chang. That is the most racist Chinese name I can think of. First order of business: Chang is like, the default English speaker’s assumption of an East-Asian name, and second: Asian kids are very westernized with western first names. I went to school with a Jenny and a Tony both of whom spoke English and Chinese fluently and were the first generation of their family born in the west.  I feel that in America, the wizards and witches are part of the regular society. I have been to New York City, Los Angeles, and Austin, and grew up on the renaissance faire circuit. On top of that, I’m from Key West, so I’m like an expert on weird. and if you try to tell me that a man who can get cats to jump through fire (or obey ANY command) isn’t magical, you clearly have never seen a cat in your life.

He is a tiny, magical Frenchman, like Lebeau but with cats instead of Germans




2 responses

1 03 2011

LOVE it, darling!


11 08 2014

The bit about Germany nailing Diagon Alley had me laughing out loud in the USO. People thought I was literally insane. Thank you. Thank you.


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