Food That Can Go Right To Hell *OR* Moody Foodie Doodie

20 05 2014

You made me do this, America. There I was, done with the blog game, living out my retirement in Cabo*, sipping on a margarita** on the beach***, and you had to go and pull me back in. You just couldn’t leave well enough alone. You had to go and mess with my food.

* Breezy Pines RV Estates
** Yuengling in a can
*** In front of the tv

First Off, Calm Your Tits About Bacon

Now, don’t get it twisted, I love bacon. Bacon and eggs? That’s like the full beard of mornings. Bacon cheeseburger? Delectable. Deep fried, beer battered, bacon wrapped snickers bar? A bit over the top. Bacon Toothpaste? Wholly unnecessary. BACON LUBE?! Too much, America, too much.

Bacon Lube

Look upon thyselves and despair

Look, it was funny the first year Epic Meal Time put bacon on everything under the sun, but lets just cool out for a minute. Hell, there is a bar in Key West called 2 Cents and they have a BACON HAPPY HOUR. It started off as some neat fireworks we found in a bag in the men’s room, but now the whole building is engulfed in flames. Tasty, tasty, bacon flames (surely already being printed onto a busted tees shirt as we speak).

NEXT

You Get Right The Hell Away From Ravioli, Foodies

I get it, I get it. People are bored with food. They see Andrew Zimmern eat a pickled toucan spleen with eyeball sauce somewhere in the Congo or Anthony Bourdain use his sunglasses and ‘tude to eat unconventional food, and get a wild idea about “re-inventing” some food. Unfortunately for me, that food is almost always ravioli. I goddamn love ravioli, but I think modern chefs don’t share my views. How else to explain the atrocities they commit. I once had “Lobster ravioli in a champagne cream sauce”. It was 5/10 at best. You do not need to mess with ravioli. It is a near perfect food item: a pasta shell filled with ricotta and mozzarella cheese or maybe some beef or sausage, served in tomato sauce or even just olive oil. THAT’S ALL YOU NEED.

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A food so perfect in it’s simplicity

Modern restaurants that have dim lighting and cloth napkins think they need to zazz it up a bit by having such things as “goat cheese and cilantro lime ground lamb” inside it. STOP TRYING TO PUT A TOP HAT AND MONOCLE ON RAVIOLI. Ravioli wears cargo shorts and a concert tee and buys his hats at K-Mart.

The Word ‘Fusion’ Will Make Me Leave Immediately

Whether your band is “Afro-reggae-soul-funk-fusion” or your food is described as “Tex-Mex Asian Fusion” I will be sure not to go near it. A “southwest style egg roll” containing black bean and corn salsa already exists, it’s called a taquito and that is just plain old Tex-Mex. Unless, of course, it also contains bean sprouts, cabbage, and Doritos, in which case I’ll have to ask you to please stop, Mr. Fieri.

Fucking Guy Fieri at it again

Ugh, he signs his name with a fucking exclamation point

Food shouldn’t make me feel ashamed to look at it, food trucks should not be serving anything too fancy for the 24-hour Gas-n-Chug, and you just got suckered into giving me page hits, HAHA.

 

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3 responses

20 05 2014
attij

This is a perfect article. I love everything about this.

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11 08 2014
kiernan

I don’t know which part of Guy Fieri’s shitty pizza rolls makes me laugh more. The “REAL DEAL PEPPERONI PIZZA POWER” commanding me to consume the disappointing oily pockets of heartburn or the “old skool” descriptor, hearkening us back to the days of still shitting our pants in the elementary school cafeteria. FLAVORTOWN!

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11 08 2014
trexcannon

Guy Fieri’s existence is a personal insult to me hahaha

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