Troll 2: Troll Harder

18 10 2011

Welp, once again I got drunk and reviewed a movie. Lets ride this bullet train to awesometown. And by awesometown, I of course mean the sleepy village of Nilbog.

This certainly isn't some other word backwards and thereby some sort of warning, or anything ridiculous like that...

There exists a movie called Troll 2, and it is a must-see. I’m honestly surprised MST3K hasn’t touched this one, because it is right up their alley. It’s one of those movies that’s so bad that it’s good, mostly because they didn’t intend for it to be terrible, it just happened to be that way. So basically the exact opposite of the entire Grindhouse concept.

"Hey, let's actually put effort into making this as terrible as possible. It'll be like those old movies, but ironically."

No, this film was actually somebody’s real idea. They didn’t do it to be funny, they genuinely thought this was a good idea. And other people approved of it. Then someone threw money at it. Basically there was a whole group of people that collaborated on this and said “Yes. This is what I want. This is gold.”

You know what you did, Mr. Floyd.

Basically, what’s going on in this cinematic masterpiece is that there is some sort of exchange program where suburban white folks can trade houses with some rural family for vacation, or at least that’s what I gathered over the roar of me and my friends drinking 8 dollar scotch and heckling this movie. So our main character family exchanges houses with a family from this town of Nilbog, but the ghost of the grandpa is telling the young boy that it is very dangerous and he needs to stop them from going. Quick recap: the 12-year-old boy communicates with the ghost of his dead grandfather.

I see dead tropes

The other story happening here is the older sister’s boyfriend and his buddys following them to Nilbog on an unending quest to get their dicks wet with some hot local girls.

Gotta rest up for all the loose women in this podunk town

So now that all the main characters are here in Nilbog, it’s time to start delivering lines like an elementary school production of The Miracle Worker. Seriously everyone in this movie sounds like they’re reading their lines for the first time and they look into the camera with alarming regularity.

Also once in the town, the outsiders find that there is no meat to be had, the whole town is vegetarian. All they have is milk and this random green substance they make everything out of.

"I'm a complete stranger, here, eat this green burger"

The kicker? eating anything in this town turns you into a plant so that the people, who are really goblins in disguise, can eat you.

Sounds legit.

Oscars all around guys. That right there is pretty much all you need to see. The whole movie summed up in one clip.

There’s really nothing else to this except goblin-people trying to get the regular people to eat food and become trees so they can eat them. Also something about a witch or something whose ancestors are “from Stonehenge,” which is about as ridiculous as saying your ancestors hail from the Washington Monument.

She also had a corny sex scene

So the moral of the story is, don’t trust a town full of vegetarians, they just want to eat you. I didn’t even realize how dumb that sounded until I typed it out.

TROLL 2!!

Vegetarians in their natural state

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