Disney World Forgot In Which State It Is Located

10 08 2014

Guys, I….

I just…

Okay hang on. This article was gonna be about something else that I’ve made fun of for years: White people’s views on fashion in history. Hilarious stuff I assure you. For example: suits at all times, regardless of temperature.

"At least we look like gentlemen"

“Just counting down the minutes until heatstroke”

For those of you that do not know, that is a picture of a bar in Key West, Florida, a state you may have heard of for only getting like, 5 days a year below 80 degrees Fahrenheit. As I was searching the internet for this exact picture, I used the search term “old Key West” because that just made a whole bunch of sense. The entire first page of google results was for a KEY WEST THEMED RESORT AT DISNEY WORLD.

WHAT?!

WHAT?!

Okay, I get that Disney likes to be the G-rated, family version of Vegas with its around the world section of Epcot and all, but that’s for places that need a passport to see. Key West is literally right down the road.

Disney to KW

Same time zone. Same state, even.

That’s like taking a trip to Albany to stay in an NYC-themed resort. IT JUST DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. Look, if you want to see Key West on your vacation, come on down; tourism is sort of our thing ever since honest lighthouses changed the wrecking industry and sponges became synthetic.

nyblog07

Hey look! It’s the same bar from the first picture! Also pictured: thousands of dollars being poured into our local economy (copyright Steve Z photography, I just took this off google image search)

They’re stealing our gig plain and simple and I don’t know if you can copyright a place, but come on. They’ve got the lighthouse. They’ve got a fake harborwalk. THEY EVEN STOLE REST BEACH

rest beach

I MEAN COME ON

Rest Beach isn’t even that big of a deal! It’s just a small little park with a rad pier and the AIDS memorial. I used to skate there when I was in high school, never thinking that The Mouse would take it from me to cheapen my home town. Next thing will be “Bienvenido A Miami” resort and then finally “O-Town And Down” where Disney makes a resort about the city it’s in, WITH ITS OWN TINY DISNEY WORLD INSIDE IT!! DIS-CEPTION!! Haha oh wait, that’s actually pretty genius. Give me a call sometime, Iger





Food That Can Go Right To Hell *OR* Moody Foodie Doodie

20 05 2014

You made me do this, America. There I was, done with the blog game, living out my retirement in Cabo*, sipping on a margarita** on the beach***, and you had to go and pull me back in. You just couldn’t leave well enough alone. You had to go and mess with my food.

* Breezy Pines RV Estates
** Yuengling in a can
*** In front of the tv

First Off, Calm Your Tits About Bacon

Now, don’t get it twisted, I love bacon. Bacon and eggs? That’s like the full beard of mornings. Bacon cheeseburger? Delectable. Deep fried, beer battered, bacon wrapped snickers bar? A bit over the top. Bacon Toothpaste? Wholly unnecessary. BACON LUBE?! Too much, America, too much.

Bacon Lube

Look upon thyselves and despair

Look, it was funny the first year Epic Meal Time put bacon on everything under the sun, but lets just cool out for a minute. Hell, there is a bar in Key West called 2 Cents and they have a BACON HAPPY HOUR. It started off as some neat fireworks we found in a bag in the men’s room, but now the whole building is engulfed in flames. Tasty, tasty, bacon flames (surely already being printed onto a busted tees shirt as we speak).

NEXT

You Get Right The Hell Away From Ravioli, Foodies

I get it, I get it. People are bored with food. They see Andrew Zimmern eat a pickled toucan spleen with eyeball sauce somewhere in the Congo or Anthony Bourdain use his sunglasses and ‘tude to eat unconventional food, and get a wild idea about “re-inventing” some food. Unfortunately for me, that food is almost always ravioli. I goddamn love ravioli, but I think modern chefs don’t share my views. How else to explain the atrocities they commit. I once had “Lobster ravioli in a champagne cream sauce”. It was 5/10 at best. You do not need to mess with ravioli. It is a near perfect food item: a pasta shell filled with ricotta and mozzarella cheese or maybe some beef or sausage, served in tomato sauce or even just olive oil. THAT’S ALL YOU NEED.

Image

A food so perfect in it’s simplicity

Modern restaurants that have dim lighting and cloth napkins think they need to zazz it up a bit by having such things as “goat cheese and cilantro lime ground lamb” inside it. STOP TRYING TO PUT A TOP HAT AND MONOCLE ON RAVIOLI. Ravioli wears cargo shorts and a concert tee and buys his hats at K-Mart.

The Word ‘Fusion’ Will Make Me Leave Immediately

Whether your band is “Afro-reggae-soul-funk-fusion” or your food is described as “Tex-Mex Asian Fusion” I will be sure not to go near it. A “southwest style egg roll” containing black bean and corn salsa already exists, it’s called a taquito and that is just plain old Tex-Mex. Unless, of course, it also contains bean sprouts, cabbage, and Doritos, in which case I’ll have to ask you to please stop, Mr. Fieri.

Fucking Guy Fieri at it again

Ugh, he signs his name with a fucking exclamation point

Food shouldn’t make me feel ashamed to look at it, food trucks should not be serving anything too fancy for the 24-hour Gas-n-Chug, and you just got suckered into giving me page hits, HAHA.

 





British Wizards Are Highly Irresponsible, Probably Racist Too

1 03 2011

So, let me just clear the air here and let you know that I love me some Harry Potter books. Anybody that knows me knows I can be a huge nerd and the magical adventures at Hogwarts are pretty much only second to the Holy Trinity of Star Wars. However, there are a few things that really bug me about the magical world.

Quantum Hermiones notwithstanding

It’s not even the overabundance and under-usage of Deus Ex Machina devices (see: every book in the series) such as the Time Turner which they could have used to flat-out stop ol’ Voldy from ever even being born. No, it is the blatant racism to Muggles, or non-magical folk for those of you that have been living under a rock for over a decade. Literally every witch and wizard in the series is racist in some fashion, not just the overt ones like Voldy, all the Blacks besides Sirius, and every kid in Slytherin,

Why are the bad girls always so hot?

No. Seriously every magical person has this subconscious disdain for muggles. For instance, they just flat-out live a completely separate life right under our noses, not at all taking part in our world, and going quite out of their way to stay separate from us. So even the ones that don’t want us all dead want us to be separate. Separate….but equal…hmmm….

I FRIGGIN' KNEW THAT SOUNDED FAMILIAR

But let’s just examine the little things. Starting with writing utensils. Somehow, magic folk straight up don’t know about pens. Not once in any of the books does anyone have a pen. They use quills and ink like this was the damn 1700’s. There’s even one part where somebody gets some magic “colour changing ink” for their ink well to DIP THEIR BIRD FEATHER INTO. a.) That’s not exciting or different, I had a color (no superfluous u) changing pen when i was like 9 years old, in the muggle world, and b.) they have a Minister of Muggle Affairs. This guy has to have found out about pens. i mean shit, you can buy them at like, any store. It’s not like this is some well-kept secret shit either, they know about cars.

They have yet to figure out roads, though

Then there’s the train. The good old Hogwarts Express that ferries these sheltered middle class kids to their secret private boarding school from platform 9 and 3/4 (through a wall, magical people only) and far away from non-magical types. Not only is the train severely outdated, like diesel locomotives are too “muggly” for them, but it’s clearly not running on magic. There is smoke coming from the furnace indicating that there is indeed a fire with which to boil water and turn a steam engine. That is not magic. Also, we’ve since come up with better, faster, cleaner trains. Get with the program and go green. There is no reason to take a train when your parents can fucking TELEPORT YOU TO SCHOOL IN THE BLINK OF AN EYE

.

Not Pictured: the 20th century

And last but not least, the school curriculum. It focuses completely on magic. This is wildly irresponsible. Granted, these kids need to know how to use their crazy special powers, but how are you just plain not gonna teach them anything about the other 90% of humans on the planet? That’s pretty much exactly like taking the n-word out of Huckleberry Finn. Don’t even let these kids know that there are different people with different lives that might not see things they way you do. Math, although boring, is still pretty useful. I get that science is unnecessary to them what with being able to just poof things into life, but man, you’d think they’d need to learn some history. Just cuz they live in the ultimate gated community doesn’t meant they’d be unaffected by, say, a bombing run from a warring nation.

Germany friggin NAILED Diagon Alley in the 40's

I feel confident in saying that it is a British thing to be so high and mighty of one’s self, especially considering the names of the few ethnic kids at Hogwarts like the Patil twins, but most noticeably in Cho Chang. That is the most racist Chinese name I can think of. First order of business: Chang is like, the default English speaker’s assumption of an East-Asian name, and second: Asian kids are very westernized with western first names. I went to school with a Jenny and a Tony both of whom spoke English and Chinese fluently and were the first generation of their family born in the west.  I feel that in America, the wizards and witches are part of the regular society. I have been to New York City, Los Angeles, and Austin, and grew up on the renaissance faire circuit. On top of that, I’m from Key West, so I’m like an expert on weird. and if you try to tell me that a man who can get cats to jump through fire (or obey ANY command) isn’t magical, you clearly have never seen a cat in your life.

He is a tiny, magical Frenchman, like Lebeau but with cats instead of Germans





That’s It, Internet’s Over, Go Home

10 02 2011

Guys

I don’t know if you heard, but the internet is almost out of space. Yeah, you heard me right. Click the link if you don’t believe me. For those of you who don’t understand what an IP address is, it’s basically like your internet-enabled device’s phone number, and we need some more area codes. See, right now, we run on IPv4 (internet protocol version 4) and thanks to the boom of smart phones and other such independently connected devices, we’re down to the wire on numbers. Fortunately for us all, there are whole rooms of nerds that actually understand how all this works and they can fix it all for us.

So lets hold off on all the cons until the internet is fixed

Right now IPv6 is in development and we will hopefully be able to switch over fairly smoothly and have exponentially more IP addresses. Basically it’ll be like how one time when my grandparents were visiting, my grandpa went to call his friend and dialed 5 numbers. He looked confused like the phones were down until I said “you have to dial 2-9 first now, abuelo”

Whole bunch o' Key West rolled up in that quote there

So that’s basically it. Adding new numbers to the left of the current ones. HOWEVER there is the remote chance that this might not work, or even kill the whole internet. Imagine that, the whole country without internet. That’d be like Keith Richards just quitting heroin cold turkey.

Kind of exactly like that

Now, this shouldn’t be too big of a deal because for most of us, there was a time before internet. Go ahead, Wikipedia that shit. Crazy huh? There were books instead of blogs, and like, going outside, and shooting your friends with BB guns instead of on Counter Strike or whatever the devil these kids play nowadays. Hell, I remember life before internet, and you should too.

That is kind of how I feel when I forget my phone

Basically anyone that saw Jurassic Park as a new movie won’t have too much adjusting to do. Everybody that saw Vietnam on the news will finally be able to relax and not worry about how to put pictures on “the Facespace” and checking their Hotmail (not gonna lie, I still have the same Hotmail address since 1998). The ones we have to worry about though, are the kids that are in high school right now. They don’t have a conscious memory of life without a computer. Hell, they barely remember the sound of a dial-up 28.8 kbps modem using that free thousand hours of AOL their parents got in the mail. Their whole life is online and it is a part of them. Things could get ugly quitting an addiction of that magnitude.

Seriously, mention the words 'library', 'dictionary', or 'music store' and they look at you like you're talkin' about some ancient past

Now let’s also not forget that for every WoW addict out there, there’s at least 4 people using the internet for good. For instance, this blog could not exist without internet. How many newspapers are gonna pick up a column about nothing that might update once a month? Zero. The answer is zero.

So, you know what? Screw it, them nerds will fix this before it becomes an issue, and just like Y2k, there will be a lot of hype by the news once it really gets close, and then absolutely nothing will happen because the nerd tank had already fixed it and patched us over months ago.

One of the elite few, diligently managing his post

So let’s just keep on advancing in our technology and totally wasting it on talking about what celebrity looks ugly or who fucked up the national anthem. Heck, we might even just start-up IPv8 and just have an absurd amount of devices connected to the internet, beyond our cell phones. Our cars, our houses, our robots. Communicating. Sharing. Plotting.

Nothing bad can come of this I am sure of it

Btw, snuggles up there is TOTALLY REAL and I have no idea why that site says that it “doesn’t herald Armageddon”. Fuck you. Are you kidding me? Would you let that near your kids? If you need me, I’ll be in the mountains, surrounded by powerful electromagnets, using proxy IPs to keep the robot bugs off my trail, trying to science my way to freedom.

Always room for a lab partner...





Time Travel Hijinks and Other Such Nonsense

19 01 2011

Well guys, I’m back. Sorry that took so long but I was definitely not on a top-secret mission for the CIA that may or may not have involved time travel.

Like I said, NOT the CIA

I’m not at liberty to discuss what happened, where or when I went, who I may or may not have killed, or anything. Just trust me on this, something is now slightly different from what it was before, and we’re all better for it.

Ok, a few things changed

Needless to say, while I was on this mission, risking life and limb for the continued stability of the space-time continuum, I was distracted from my secondary objective of eliminating a major threat to the western world in our recent past. That’s right ladies and gentlemen, thanks to my weariness and general bad memory, it is entirely my fault that Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace still exists.

My bad

Now before you call the UN or whatever and get me brought up on war crimes (rightfully deserved), let me just say this: guys, I tried. Well, I didn’t really try to completely destroy it, I just tried to change it. It was one of those situations where you’re supposed to kill it, and you know that it’s evil, but you just can’t because you feel like, maybe this time it won’t be so bad. Basically I had sneaked into Skywalker Ranch and replaced the script with a rewrite I considered to contain way more awesome.

Pictured: Awesome

Seriously, how was this dude only in one movie, but we had to watch a whole nation of Gungans fumble their way to victory over the droids while simultaneously making fun of the entire country of Jamaica? I’ll tell ya why, It’s not George Lucas’ fault, no no. There is something much more sinister behind the scenes guiding ol’ George to the dark side of filmmaking, if you will.

Apparently you can get a gold medal for treason

That’s right. Friggin’ Spielberg. Now i know what you’re thinking: “oh but doctor, he brought us so many gems in our childhood of the late ’80s and ’90s, such as that long Reese’s Pieces commercial with the tiny, adorable Drew Barrymore, and of course not to mention Indy!” Yes, yes, Indiana Jones. The second greatest trilogy ever created. I know Mr. Spielberg here created a beloved franchise.

He then drove it into the ground, set it on fire, and pissed on it

Basically, I was barely able to escape Skywalker Ranch with Spielberg’s dogs on my tail. I didn’t even see George in there. I can only speculate as to where the secret prison is where he’s being held by Steven’s reign of terror. I just know if George was a free man, he would have loved my script and almost completely bypassed all the ‘child Vader’ nonsense and gone straight for the awesome.

Pictured: possibly too much awesome?

So once again, guys; I am so incredibly sorry. I should have pulled myself together and took that detour on the way back to the future, but I just didn’t. Your scorn and hatred is well deserved, although it will pale in comparison to my own self-loathing. If i could find the guy that brought me through time again, no amount of money would be too great for me to rectify this terrible, terrible mistake.

That's him there

Maybe if I got a second shot, me and Spielberg could have some sort of summit. Some way we could get together, sit down peacefully, and use diplomacy to work out a solution. I’m absolutely sure we could reach a compromise. *EDIT* FUCK THAT. TRIED, FAILED.

SPOILER ALERT from across parallel realities





Aks Axis: Round 1

4 12 2010

IT’S AXIS YOO BASTIDS!!

Time to answer your questions and belittle your poor decision-making skills and life choices!

Question #1 comes from Stupefied and Drunk in Key West (so, everyone?) Stupid asks:

Dear Axis, How much whiskey does it take to get over an ex girlfriend?
Sincerely
Stupefied and drunk in key west

ANSWER:

This many

But in all seriousness, no one really knows. There seems to be a very precise sweet spot on the drunk-o-meter where most people are just drunk enough to not give two damns, but not drunk enough to be a crying, unstable mess.

too much

OR, just go chill with your boys. That’s probably the best way to deal with shit is to get it off your mind, and have your friends talk mad shit about her and how much they hate her. Works wonders. Otherwise you just end up being a whiny, emo pussy, and nobody is gonna wanna put up with your incessant, alcohol-fueled whining.

You know, until you die

 

NEXT

This one’s from Ashley:

Dear Dr. T Rex, I have a problem calling my ex’s while drunk and on ambian. I make a fool of myself by slurring and telling them I still love them. What should I do?

Ok, first off, this is Axis, but i’ma let that one slide. Second off, ambien and booze? And you still remember calling someone?? You are a fucking trooper. One time I took a perc and headed downtown and Raymond just kept the booze flowing for his 21st. I vaguely remember being at Rick’s Upstairs, and slight recollections of puking in the bathroom at Lazy Gecko and being confused when i emerged and the lights were on and the doors were closed. Apparently we even went to Denny’s. Then I woke up in the front seat of a Range Rover outside Max’s house.

Captioned pictures of cats are the one true medium

 

But I digress

The best way to stop drunk dialing/texting is to have a friend who does it every single time. Granted, from what you’re telling me, you are that friend, so I’m not sure what we’re gonna do about that. Wait until someone else starts to do it and then pay attention very closely. The amount that you will be embarrassed to even know this person will almost be as staggering as the insane, idiotic things spewing forth from their mouth.

Like that but with words

Honestly though, stopping drunk dialing just requires being on the receiving end of one. As an international hip-hop phenom, I can tell you, having random girls calling you at all hours of the night, barely able to string together words into a sentence can get to be a real bother. So man up (lady up?) and either leave the phone where you can’t get it, or get a good friend to play defense and take the phone from you if you start to drunk dial. If you don’t have a friend that good, by all means, drunk dial the bejesus out of everyone.

 

LAST

Robert Fowler writes:

Are you DTF?

….

I, uh…..

sure.

WINK

 

Don’t forget to check out my homies, High Society. New song is up!

 





Robert Fowler Has Redefined American Cinema

26 11 2010

For those of you not in the know, Robert Fowler a.k.a. Bobby Fisher is an underground hip-hop superstar, blond mustache wearer, and all around honkey.

He is also a pioneer in Independent Film. His magnum opus is called Bobby Fisher’s Big Laxative Adventure. Do not click that link if you are offended by maverick film-making, as there are no words in the English language to describe the excellence that is this film.

Scrumtrillescent

Rumor has is that after viewing  this masterpiece, Martin Scorsese immediately broke into tears and begged to be a part of the next Bobby Fisher production, the Writer’s Guild quit en masse, and Michael Bay killed himself.

presumably in an overly expensive CGI scene

There is literally something for everyone in this one short film. It may only be a minute and a half long, but if it were longer, it would collapse in on itself in a black hole of excellence with no film able to escape its event horizon.

It contains comedy

Drama

Introspection

And of course, lots of, ahem, toilet humor

With a cameo by Alicia Miller as “we need to see other people” girl (not credited).

When he’s not revolutionizing the face of contemporary cinema, Robert Fowler can be found rapping with skill indirectly proportionate to his overbearing upper-middle class whiteness in the group High Society, along with co-founder and whitey enthusiast/documentarian Scribe86

Noticeably less caucasian

and comically named Hyryze

(see, the joke is that he's like 5'4")

Also I’ll give Fish some extra cool points cuz he’s probably the only person who remembers my verses on the St. Valentines Massacre that I recorded as Axis in 2004 with Scribe.

So in summation, do yourself a favor and watch the motion picture event that caused the Cannes Film Festival to permanently shut down on grounds that “no other movie could win any awards ever again now that Bobby Fisher’s Laxative Adventure exists”.

Also, mom, I’m sorry you had to see that.

My bad








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